My client wanted some help with a difficult relationship at work. "Sameer just isn't very good at his job, his input on the project is mostly useless, and it seems like his goal is to be in the center of everything even though he doesn't know what he's talking about".
As we talked about how he might handle the next meeting with Sameer, it became apparent that my client's thoughts about his colleague produced a very low expectation of how his colleague would behave. There was little room in his mind for this person to surprise him, change their approach, or perform better.
Take a Closer Look at Your Expectations
If you hold an expectation that someone else is relatively useless, harbors ill intent, and has selfish motives, how likely are you to help them become the best version of themselves? Your colleague is likely to sense your low opinion of them through your tone of voice and facial expressions, regardless of how 'corporately correct' your choice of words may be.
Ask yourself, would it be okay if this time they acted selflessly, displayed intelligence, and made a meaningful contribution to the work? Upon closer examination, you might realize that you're not entirely comfortable with such an outcome. You're invested in perceiving them in a certain way, and the mind tends to prefer seeing its predictions come true.
Think about times you've been working with someone whom you admire and who has high expectations of you. Weren't you energized to do your best and even put aside inconsequential concerns? Conversely, how inspired to be your best have you felt in the presence of someone who you believe judges you negatively and even unfairly?
There's been some research on the impact of both positive and negative expectations on performance*. Like much research in the social sciences, there's conflicting evidence on how much expectation alone impacts outcomes. But we don't need any more research to experiment with this in our own lives.
How Do We Change Our Expectations?
So how do we accomplish this shift in our well-rehearsed expectations? Are we supposed to pretend we think our coworker is awesome when our current thoughts about them are pretty much the opposite? Not at all. On the contrary, we run this experiment by bringing mindful awareness to the situation as it is. That means committing to noticing what you are thinking about this person before an upcoming interaction.
You can be aware of the repetitive thoughts that are complaining about this person. Notice how a sort of rehearsal is taking place in your mind. No wonder you find it hard to relate to them with an open mind, you've been cementing in place a vision of the future and how you will feel in that future. To find the off-ramp from this destructive process, just begin to notice as fully as possible this pattern of thinking and feeling.
If you are truly open to becoming aware of this pattern, you're likely to find this internal behavior begins to drop off by itself; the mind will see how it's creating it's own problems. Of course, this well-rehearsed pattern is likely to spring back at the next opportunity, but it will not seem nearly as convincing to you as it did previously. So you just notice it again. And then as many times as the pattern recurs after that. The next time you interact with this person - see what happens. You both may be in for a pleasant surprise.
Follow These 3 Steps To Free Yourself from Low Expectations Of Others
Recognize Your Thoughts: When you find yourself dreading an encounter - look to see what thoughts you are having about the person or situation. Recognize they are thoughts, not immutable facts about the world. No need to argue with yourself about whether the thoughts are justified or not, the practice is to just get a visceral sense of what it's like to be under the spell of this pattern.
Don’t Feed the Pattern: If this pattern is a frequently played refrain in your head, see if it's possible to recognize there's truly no need in this moment to keep repeating the thought to yourself. Perhaps you may even notice how this mental rehearsal is trying to meet some internal need you have.
Open Up to Here and Now: Allow yourself to let those thoughts die out as you become more clearly aware of your surroundings and actions right here, right now. Repeat each time the pattern starts playing again.
Would you like to learn more about practical ways you can move beyond the patterns keeping you stuck at your current level? Find out more about working with me directly.
* Jussim, L., & Harber, K. D. (2005). Teacher Expectations and Self-Fulfilling Prophecies: Knowns and Unknowns, Resolved and Unresolved Controversies. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 9(2), 131-155. https://doi.org/10.1207/s15327957pspr0902_3
