Think about a time someone told you, “You’re not a team player.” Chances are, it didn’t open you up to reflection. More likely, it made you defensive.
That’s because statements like this are often heard as judgments—not as useful feedback. They feel personal, vague, and hard to respond to. And they’re surprisingly common in the workplace.
You're in a meeting with your peers. The team is stuck on a problem, and you offer a suggestion. Before you even finish your sentence, a colleague interrupts:
"That doesn’t make any sense."
You feel your face heat up. Your mind races: She’s a jerk. My idea was stupid. Now I look bad in front of everyone. Annoyance, embarrassment, maybe even anger bubble up.
Why do we often struggle to get started on the things we know will benefit us in future? Why do we get pulled into unimportant tasks instead of focusing on the strategic work that can have the biggest impact? We've all heard advice on how to stop procrastinating and focus on important tasks. So, why don't we follow that advice? That's what we’ll explore here.
"Look, I'm sorry to have to ask you to take this on, I know it's not your usual area and probably isn't the most exciting thing to come your way, but I don't have much of a choice." Susan grimaced as she finished speaking.
Susan has fallen into the delegation apology trap. Like many leaders, she feels uncomfortable delegating to peers or even the more experienced members of her own team. That discomfort can show up as this confusing and demotivating tendency to apologize for, effectively, doing your job.
Many talented, experienced professionals find it's difficult to be themselves when faced with the task of presenting to a room full of more senior leaders. A common mistake some presenters make is to let their audience, or a vocal subset of the audience, essentially drive the discussion. As if, because they are more senior, they know better where the discussion should go.
Let's question that belief.
Some practical ideas on nonverbal communications suggested by myself and other Forbes Coaches Council members.
If only I didn’t have this horrible feeling in my gut every time I think of updating the committee on this project. Why am I such a wimp?
Whether you’ve had exactly that thought or not, managing our emotions in professional life can be a significant source of difficulty. For some leaders, unregulated emotions are the main limitation on their upward trajectory.
We worry because, deep down we believe this behavior is accomplishing something.
In other words, we believe in magic. Constructive problem solving, is, of course, a useful exercise. That’s not what we’re talking about. We are talking about the proliferation of repeating thoughts, sensations and emotions about “our problem” that we play over and over again in our heads like a demented DJ.
We were late on a project that I had championed. I felt my credibility as a leader was dependent on its success. Any threat to that success led me to thoughts blaming myself or others. It was a very short step from mindlessly letting those complaining thoughts take control of my mind to letting them take control of my mouth.
