My client was looking for help with an area of leadership most of us find challenging: giving feedback. He asked, “How can I tell Valerie she’s not doing good enough on something I’m bad at myself? I feel like a fraud.”
His direct report was not completing her assignments on time and my client found it particularly difficult to raise this issue, as he, himself, struggled with procrastination. He felt like a fraud whenever he thought about confronting her about this, and at the same time he also recognized that as her manager, it’s his responsibility to do so.
As we explored this experience of feeling like a fraud, it became clear to my client that he was holding on to a belief that authority comes from mastery, or even, perfection. The belief said that for me to judge your performance on any dimension is equal to me saying I’m perfect in that area and have mastered it. Check in with yourself the next time you are feeling stressed about giving feedback, you may find some version of this belief hiding out in your psyche — it’s pretty common.
Now when we look logically at this believe, we know it’s not accurate. But the hook that keeps this belief in place is not based on logic. It’s based on emotion.
How does this belief play out in behavior? If I believe that if I criticize you, it’s the same as saying I’m perfect, than I’m pretty exposed: I now have to try to protect this “me” that’s a perfect master in this area. But of course I’m not perfect, no one is. And I know that, so I feel fraudulent. This has a huge effect on how I speak and act. Any feedback I provide from this stance is likely to come out tentative and vague, leaving my subordinate guessing: “Was that just a suggestion or a direct request?” Or I might avoid saying anything direct, but my displeasure leaks out in my body language, tone of voice, or a convenient pattern of avoiding the person. Does any of this sound familiar? Perhaps you’ve been on the receiving end of this dynamic.
What would it be like to not buy into this belief? If you aren’t boxed in by playing the role of perfect boss, how much more freedom would you have? Instead of a worry in the back of your mind that you might be found out, you could be free to say, for example, “Are you kidding? I suck at this kind of thing! But, I know someone who’s really good at it and I’d be glad to ask them to give you some tips.”
How to work with this
Untangling this pattern can be done by reaching into your mindfulness toolbox. These are the tools that are going to strengthen your self-awareness and allow you to choose your response instead of reacting out of habit.
Be on the lookout for this sense of being a fraud. Notice the physical discomfort you feel, notice the thoughts you’re having.
Look for the hidden belief. Ask yourself "What am I assuming is being said about me when I give feedback to someone?"
Allow a more honest and direct response to form. Bringing mindfulness to your reactivity begins to open up access to a wider range of possibilities. See if you can speak from a perspective that doesn’t require you to prop up a false image of yourself in order to legitimize your authority.
