"You’ve got to be kidding me, they aren’t going to have our servers installed until next month?! What are they doing over there, going out to the movies every afternoon? They're useless!”
We were late on a project that I had championed. I felt my credibility as a leader was dependent on its success. Any threat to that success led me to thoughts blaming myself or others. It was a very short step from mindlessly letting those complaining thoughts take control of my mind to letting them take control of my mouth.
So that’s how we got here. Now what? Well, luckily, I’d been devoting some time and effort to mindfulness practice. So even though I had initially reacted out of panicky habit, a part of me was observing this impartially. Some mental space opened up to make room for a wiser response. I smiled and said, “Strike that from the record! I don’t know why I said that, I’m sure they’ve run into issues we aren’t aware of. Let’s get together with them this afternoon to see what we can do.”
How to Replace a Harmful Habit Through Mindfulness
Most habits of thought, speech and action have a positive purpose and have benefited us somehow in the past. Your mind knows this, even if only unconsciously. This is why merely resolving not to continue a habit that is now causing harm is usually not successful. Your unconscious will be battling “you” and will usually win.
Exercising our capacity to be fully aware of experience through mindfulness engages our full being, not just the reasoning and language centers of the brain. This is what enables lasting change.
Preliminary work
1. Identify the habit. What is it you do that periodically sabotages your leadership presence?
2. Study the habit. Put on your anthropologist hat and take an unbiased look at what the habit consists of. As in the example I wrote about above, you’re likely to find familiar thought patterns when facing some stressful event.
- What are you sensing in your body before and during these thoughts?
- What's the pattern when faced with this situation? ("oh, there's those complaining thoughts again!")
- What’s the harmful outcome of this habit? How does it make you feel? How does it influence those you lead?
3. Write it down. You now know clearly what it is you want to change. Write down a statement about the change you are committing to make. For example, “I commit today to do my best to not indulge in thoughts or speech blaming others, and instead to ask myself how I can help."
Daily Ritual
- Commitment. Each morning, put aside 5 minutes to remind yourself of your commitment to replace this habit. Allow yourself to let go of thoughts about the upcoming day, and to become aware of your body and the space surrounding you. Repeat your commitment statement to yourself.
- Mean it! This commitment has to be deeply felt to work. Briefly recall the unpleasant feeling of acting like a jerk. Sense how much better it will feel to respond in a way that’s more in sync with your deepest values and aspirations. Deeply recognize you want to make this change.
In the moment
- Initially you may only remember your commitment after the habit has run its course. No problem! As soon as you realize this, just express gratitude to your mindfulness for eventually reminding you.
- You might remember your commitment right in the middle of the habit, as in the example above. Again, no problem. Now you have a chance to course correct. That’s a big deal.
- Notice every time you successfully refrain from following the habit impulse. Allow that sense of freedom to really penetrate your heart. Eventually the original habit will lose it’s power over you.
