Susan seemed simultaneously frustrated with herself and the colleague she was trying to build a better relationship with. "Jason can be so annoying. He always wants to chime in with a better idea, and when he starts talking I can just feel my irritation building. I shut him down before he finished speaking, and even in the moment I realized this wasn't what I wanted to do. The extra bad part is, his idea was actually pretty good".
It's no surprise Susan reacted automatically with frustration and annoyance in the moment. She'd been practicing that reaction to her "annoying coworker" Jason in her head for months.
Automatic Reactions Aren't Random
When you find yourself reacting in ways that don’t align with your values or intentions, it’s easy to think it’s just the stress of the moment.
But often, that reaction is the end result of mental patterns you've been practicing religiously for some time.
For example, if you’ve spent days (or longer) thinking:
They really don’t know what they’re doing
I never get credit for my contributions
People around here should be following the rules
…then you’ve already been training your mind to react in the moment in certain ways -- especially when you're taken by surprise or under stress.
We may think there's no real-world impact from engaging in repetitive thinking, or that even if there is, there's nothing we can do about it. That's wrong on both counts. What we rehearse mentally we'll eventually act out: impacting our relationships, reputation and results. And, in fact, we do have the power to dismantle these habits of mind.
A Simple Daily Practice to Interrupt the Pattern
In coaching, I often share a three-step mindfulness-based approach to help clients become more skillful in how they relate to their thoughts. The three steps are:
Notice you're in a mental habit loop
Recognize what kind of mental habit it is
Withdraw your energy from it
You can use this as a quick daily check-in—or in the moment when you notice tension rising:
Step 1: Notice you're in a mental habit loop: Often, it’s your body that alerts you first—a tight jaw, a sinking stomach, that urge to rehearse the same conversation again. Use that sensation as a signal: I'm getting trapped in a loop.
Step 2: Recognize what kind of mental habit you're building:
Wanting (e.g., "I need to get that promotion", "My idea needs to win")
Judging (e.g., "They’re incompetent", "I’m terrible at presentations")
Belief-ing (e.g., "It's not fair for me to ask others to do things", "People like that never change")
Step 3: Withdraw your energy from the thought
This doesn’t mean suppressing the thought or arguing with it; it means withdrawing your active engagement in feeding it. Try asking yourself - do I need to be thinking this thought again right now? This is the toughest step; you may find your mind rebelling or even panicking at the idea you could give up this habit. After all, some part of you believes it will accomplish something good by repeating the thought. You might notice a thought that says "but it's true!" or "but I deserve to be thinking this!" Just see if in that moment you can allow the pattern to drop - and if so, open up to notice what else is in your experience - the feeling of your breath, or your feet on the floor, or the light in the room.
Wrap Up
Even a brief pause like this can help you choose how to respond, rather than reacting automatically. Of course, one time through these steps is not going to dismantle a chain of connected neurons you've build over countless repetitions. That's OK. Each time you practice these steps you are beginning to weaken those connections and will "wake up" to the awareness of being in the loop more quickly each time.
You truly don’t have to be ruled by these automatic reactions and habitual thoughts. Breaking this habit doesn’t just feel better for you—it opens the door to stronger, more genuine connections with the people around you. Try it today. Notice. Name. Let go. See what changes.
